I should have…

Overcoming the ‘should’ mindset.

I’m at a book event in Waterstones, listening to two authors I admire, when I hear the voice.

‘It should be you up there.’

It’s a voice I know well. I ignore it, focusing instead on what the writers are saying about their books, how they wrote them, and how they became published authors.

But it comes again, louder this time. ‘You should have written a novel by now. You’re 44.’

As though the lack of a novel isn’t bad enough, it’s bringing up my age. It knows my vulnerability – knows that ageing has been on my mind and that I am feeling sensitive about every one of my 44 years.

‘That’s old. Too old.’

Both of the authors, Beth O’Leary and Mike Gayle, wrote their first books when they were in their twenties and are now bestselling full-time authors, everything I’d like to be.

‘You should have written a book when you were their age. You’ve missed your chance.’

The voice is relentless. It’s like someone is sitting behind me, whispering nasty comments. But this isn’t a person – would anyone be so direct and unkind? It’s the voice in my head, that of my inner critic, the one I have been battling most of my life.

‘You should have —’

Enough!

I take a sip of my tea and stop the next thought in its tracks. Given my 44 years, I am adept at silencing the voice that has the potential, if left unchecked, to play havoc with my mindset and mental health.

The first step is to be aware of negative self-talk and recognise when it becomes self-critical and destructive. Once I’ve done that, I can understand the subtle and, in tonight’s case, not-so-subtle ways I undermine myself.

Then comes the challenge; my attempt to strike back by finding the evidence against what it’s saying.

No, I didn’t publish a book when I was in my twenties. But my writing was published in magazines and newspapers.

And I did write a book – a memoir – when I was in my thirties.

And I’ve published two story collections in my forties.

And I am working on a novel – just this week I entered not one but two novel-writing competitions.

Acknowledging my wins stops my thoughts from spiralling out of control. It helps shift my mindset so that rather than seeing the doom and gloom, I can focus on the positives.

The problem is that my inner critic never goes down without a fight. It comes back louder and harsher, trying to land a knockout blow.

‘No, but you still haven’t done what these writers are doing – you’re not traditionally published with six-figure publishing deals, TV adaptations, awards and national book tours.’

I can’t help but smile. No. I haven’t done what these writers are doing. But, then again, I haven’t written a novel, so it’s not really a surprise.

I am writing though and taking steps every day towards achieving my ambitions. I’m sharing my writing, submitting to agents, entering competitions and grabbing any opportunities I can. There might not have been an Oscar-winning movie adaptation, but I was on BBC Radio Sheffield – does that count?

‘Definitely not,’ says the voice, adding, ‘if you’d started in your twenties, you might have had a chance.’

From my experience in dealing with my inner critic, I know at this point that I’ve won because I have nothing but kindness for the 20-something me. Moving from Barnsley to London at 18 for university and then starting my journalism career were big steps. I’m proud of myself and everything I achieved.

And with that, I tell myself that I am not too old, that it’s not too late, and that I am exactly where I should be in my career. All the studying and striving over the past 25-years, all the energy and effort I’ve put into developing my craft and improving my mindset means I am in a good place to make things happen in my forties.

I ditch the unhelpful ‘should haves’ and replace them with the much more positive and determined ‘I can’.

I can do it.

Having silenced my inner critic, I focus on enjoying the event and learning as much as I can from the two authors.

Beth O’Leary describes how she wrote five novels before she found an agent for The Flatshare. Five! I love that she showed so much resilience, continuing to write despite the initial lack of interest from agents and publishers.

Mike Gayle rewrote his first novel at least 10 times before securing a publishing contract. He listened to feedback and improved his story. It was all worth the effort when several publishing companies bid against each other to secure a deal.

For both Beth and Mike, hard work, resilience and consistency, as well as writing talent, were key to their success. That ability to keep going, to keep writing, and keep knocking on doors despite the setbacks is everything.

Not everyone will become bestselling authors enjoying success on the scale of Beth and Mike. We all have our own definitions of success. While I love to dream about one day launching my book in Waterstones, I also have much smaller goals, taking it one piece of writing at a time. I measure success by what I write and create.

There’s nothing I like more than a 5am writing session when the words and the tea are flowing. And it’s not the thought of landing a six-figure publishing deal that gets me out of bed every morning (although, I’d take it). It’s because I love writing. Whether it’s a slice of life story, essay, or a book-length project, I love the satisfaction of seeing a piece take shape. I love the process.

I also realise that writing is about so much more than putting words on the page. There are many emotional barriers that make being a writer challenging. The fears and doubts, the feeling of being an imposter, of not being good enough, and, of course, the inner critic.

For many years, the negative voice dominated my thoughts. I listened to the fears and doubts, and they held me back, prevented me from writing. The guilt and shame about what I ‘should’ have done but hadn’t hit me with so much force, they knocked me sideways.

I felt like I was failing. This spiralled into frustration, negativity, and depression, which only reinforced the feelings of failure. It’s a vicious cycle to be in. Taking action was the only solution. I gave myself permission to write, and when I did, I started believing in myself and my words. I decided I was good enough and that I could do it. Rather than constantly putting myself down, I became my own coach.

Sometimes, I still let my inner critic get the better of me, and the doubts set in, making me feel that everything I've written is fit only for the bin. The good thing is that I know the feelings are a natural part of being a writer and I know I can handle them.

On nights like tonight, when I get a case of the ‘shoulds’, I can deal with the critical voice quickly. Instead of comparing myself to other authors and falling short, I can accept myself and feel content with where I am in my career. 

Letting go of the resentment and all the ‘shoulds’ is freeing. I leave the event feeling inspired, motivated to finish my novel, and excited about the future. Instead of wasting so much energy wondering what might have been, I can channel my energy into writing and then who knows what’s possible?

‘Even at 44?’ My inner critic says. 

Yes! Even at 44.

Does your inner critic hold you back? Have you ever suffered from a bad case of the ‘shoulds’? How did you overcome it? I’d love to hear – let me know in the comments.